sophomore

wow, its been awhile to say the least. i've been meaning to get back on here, spill my heart out a little more because its something i love doing. but i haven't, so here i am. sunday back from thanksgiving, and this time of rest has given me a chance to breathe, a chance to not be always wanting to take a nap, a chance to re-evaluate. and my thoughts are gathered, as much as they can be, and here i am.

BHS. i'm in love with BHS, and its what i want to talk about. coming back into leading in the fall was hard and scary and uncomfortable, and my oh my did i need patience, and trust. lots of trust.  i was praying and talking with my teammate who is also a sophomore girl, and after feeling as if freshmen were tugging at my heart, we decided i'd run after primarily freshies, and Tay would take the sophomores. which was great, and i was excited, however all the relationships i had up to that point were shared with Taylor, and were sophomores. heck i didn't know a single freshmen name. so coming back into the year, i was placed back into square one. and that was hard. really hard. i had thought i got that awkward "i literally don't know a single person in this grade" stage knocked out of the way in the previous spring. but there i was, and it was humbling. while my roommates were starting small groups and having sleepovers, i was getting rejected on friday nights by high school girls. literally. and its not that i wanted the title, its not that i felt useless (although i had to constantly be fighting that lie put in front of me), its that i so desperately wanted to be sharing life with these girls. i wanted to laugh with them, drive them places, hear about heartbreaks, eat junk food and do all the things that make being a high school girl both great and hard. i wanted to be with them. and for a majority of the semester, i wasn't. but i prayed. and i honestly don't know if there has ever been a point in my life where i have prayed harder, or more faithfully, than i did during the first 3 months of the semester. not because i'm great, but because its all i had. i had no idea how to meet girls, i had no idea how the Lord would move in me and how i would be used. i had no idea. and it was slow, and for a long time, there was nothing. and i got tired. i got tired of waiting, tired of being hopeful for something that was not coming. i got tired. but i kept waiting, and kept praying, because that's all i could hold onto. and the most beautiful thing is, the Lord was always listening. when i was mad at Him, He took it and loved me in it. when i was doubtful, He took me and loved me in it. when i didn't want to pray, didn't want to be still, pretended that i could do it on my own, He took me and loved me in it. through all my complaining, my anger, my doubt, His Spirit gave me hope and joy, His Spirit kept me seeking Him. He kept me going, and He kept reminding me of His faithfulness and promises, and through all my selfish desires, He continually taught me that from Him all things flow. and i soon learned that if i brought it about, if i created it, it would suck. it would fail. no doubt. it wouldn't happen. so night after night, He would remind me to let go, be present, and be faithful. and looking back, its so cool that all He asked of me was to be faithful, be present, and leave the rest to Him.
it was hard, and slow. but it was beautiful, and always a learning process. and there has already been fruit. i love the freshmen. its hilarious, i adore them. they are literally the coolest. and i know for some of them i'll never fill the role of their former leader, but i wish they knew that i don't want to. i want to be different, i don't want to be the same. i'll never try to be. i'm emily, i love Jesus and colors and loud music and driving at night and blankets and them. i want them to know they are loved and accepted and beautiful always, because that's how Jesus sees them. i don't want it to be about me and them, i want it to be about Jesus and them. that's my job, my mission. so i'll pray. and i won't stop, because this isn't supposed to be easy, but it also isn't about me, and if i'm tired or mad or impatient, its about Jesus. and He's supposed to do all the work. i'm just supposed to be faithful and be present. and He won't fail. right now i'm meeting up with 3 different girls weekly to talk about Jesus. He is doing the work, all the work. it is not me, and that is such a relief.


life is exploding, and it is good.

***congratulations to my sweet senior teammate Becca (on left) just got engaged last night, and what a celebration.***

words will be just words, til you bring them to life

i'm in a sociology class this semester called "individual in society", and i hate it. the class itself isn't awful, but both the teacher and material are super dry, and i would just prefer to be filling my time with something else. but oh well. i was studying for an exam we had recently, and time use came up.

"Researchers studying time use try to determine exactly what people do on a day-to-day basis as a way to really know what people value, regardless of what they say." - pg. 249 of Sociological Perspectives

if a researcher was studying my life, what would they gather that i truly value, regardless of what i say? to me, that thought hit hard. everyone is busy, we all know that. different kinds of busy, but busy nonetheless. but i tried to look at my average day from the outside in, in order to determine what i value. some days i'm very disappointed by what i seem to value that day. i know what the most important things in my life are, but probably more often than not my days do not reflect that. i don't like that. i'm looking to change that. every day i strive to live and love in a way that reflects what i believe, but is that always where in invest my time? it seems like what i spend my time on is something i have the most control over in my life, and it should reflect my heart. i'd love if a researcher could look into my life and see that it's different, and why it's different. i really like this challenge.

m. 

sweet spring time

recently i was blessed with the opportunity to be a YL leader, and 3 weeks ago i was placed at Blacksburg High School. a couple things i would like to say about this:   

1. although i had no reason for BHS to be on my heart, before i got placed there, it was. all throughout the training process i had been praying for an open heart and mind. i didn't want to be one of those leaders that was going to be disappointed in the ministry they got placed with, because being placed onto a ministry team is something to rejoice in, regardless of where it is. in the last two weeks before placement though, i was worried about why BHS was on my heart. but looking back, i truly believe that the Lord placed BHS on my heart, and was already preparing me for ministry in that school. it has been really sweet to be in a situation where it is clear that the Lord instilled that desire upon me, very plain and simply. 

2. i love BHS. already. its kind of nuts. i was at WalMart with some friends and they had hoodies and sweatpants from BHS, and when i said that i was going to buy that stuff.....i wasn't kidding. i think everyone thought i was though.

3. it reminds me of my high school, and i like that. it intimidates me a lot though, which i like as well.

leading has already been a blessing, a whirlwind. the first two weeks were filled with tears. exam upon exam, and a schedule that was more demanding than it had been in a very long time. not to mention no one was used to it, so my friends were non-existent during this time. everyone had their own life to try to keep up with. but the Lord brought me through it. i would describe those two weeks as just laying at His feet, crying out to Him to take my hand and lead me through it. and He did, beautifully. i'm not an uncomfortable person, but the first few instances of leading are uncomfortable for anyone. the first club was hard. there is no denying that. it was frustrating to me that i didn't know anyone, that i didn't have a purpose and that i wasn't "connecting" with girls. why didn't they want to talk to me? why did they look for chances to escape conversations? was i not loving them well? but i got through it. with prayer and trust, i was carried through it. the first week was just bizarre. new places, new people, new schedules. thankfully the older girl on my team is a joy, and so blessed when it comes to ministry. it comes so naturally to her, and she's so loved. being her shadow was super beneficial, and eventually the week passed. the second week was similar, but not as uncomfortable. this time i knew names and faces at club, i knew who the campaigners were and i was more comfortable in the environment. the new leaders went to a soccer game by ourselves, and though it wasn't a super encouraging time, it was fun to feel like we were really doing it, we were really doing this. then on sunday, we texted 3 freshmen to come hang out and chat....3 that we didn't know plus two that we texted showed up, and we were so shocked. i don't know why i don't expect answers from the Lord sometimes. it was a time of giggling and not really talking about anything at all, but it was so sweet. it was the beginning, and that was enough for me. Taylor (my sweet teammate) and i left for leadership in high spirits, and pumped up for this week. 

it's funny to me how the Lord knows what we need, and He knows how to get it for us. this week has been a joy, a pure joy. club was a blast. we took Meg (a new freshmen friend) to campaigners for her first time this week. we went to the school on our own for the first time, and knew every girl's name. every. single. one. every girl that we had ever met, whether it be at club or campaigners or our sunday hangouts, we knew every name. if that isn't a victory, i don't know what is. the Lord is so good. there is no way i would know every name, and it was so encouraging that the Lord was standing next to the us in the school. He's helping us in every battle, every fight. He will never leave it to us, and for that i am indescribably thankful. on top of the many blessings that have been given this week, school has been a breeze. i've never been so caught up on work or doing so well on assignments. i'm actually bored. its freaking me out. and the weather is nice. i mean, honestly i'm not sure nothing else could be going right. and this extra time has allowed me to take my beach towel out to my secret quad and lay in the sunshine, soak up the smell of sweet spring time, and be nourished by the Lord. without a time limit. without other work demanding my attention. that time for me is so intimate, so true. He has given me a week to be refreshed, to rejoice, to relax, and to be reassured. reassured that there will be weeks that bring tears, that seem as if they could not go any worse. in those times He will carry me through, He will lead me. if i give my everything to Him, He will protect it. He will guard it. He will keep me safe, and He will see me through. i was also reassured that though there will be the bad, there will also be the good. He will give me times that allow me to take a step back. He will give me time to breathe. 

i never want to forget this part of leading. this experience of not trying to do it on my own. i pray that i will never try to do it on my own. i want to always be led. i want to always be confident only in the Lord. i want to be vulnerable with Him. i want to be real, genuine, humbled, broken at His feet. always. i've never felt so incapable, and i love it. i adore it. 

pray for Blacksburg High School. pray for kids to sign up for camp. pray for the finances to send them. pray for 25 campaigners to catch the vision and run after their friends. the Lord is moving in the NRV, and its beautiful. 

m.

integrity

"preach the Gospel at all times, and when necessary, use words."

St. Francis of Assisi

never grow up

well, its the eve of my 19th birthday. whoa. i know, i'm supposed to be celebrating time passing because it means that life is going on. but it seems like i can barely catch my breath. i'm now on spring break, which means i'm done with 3/4ths of my freshman year of college...uhhh what? i cannot wrap my mind around that. and now it's my birthday, and even that snuck up on me. i don't even know what i want to do for my birthday dinner, much less what i'm going to do to celebrate. everyone keeps asking me, but quite frankly, being home with my family and best friend seems perfectly fitting. 

on another note, another big milestone happened yesterday. the freshman who have been preparing all year for the chance of being a YL/WL/YLives/Capernaum were offered places this week. although we don't know what ministry we'll be placed in or what school we'll be placed at, it was a huge moment for all of my closest friends at school and myself. and yesterday, i became a leader. now that is bonkers to me. we've been preparing for this to happen all year, and its actually here now. i can't even process that. it hasn't hit me yet. but, i am so ready. i am so excited. 

all of a sudden it feels like i'm no longer some mindless kid, going with the flow til i end up where i'm supposed to be. i have a new ministry, and a new routine to adjust to. and i'm about to be 19......man, time flies. 


m.

february 16th, 2012

nothing beats the peace of laying it all down, claiming nothing, instead giving it all to Him. not trying to do it alone, simply accepting and remembering that you don't even want to try. truly giving it all away, feeling His peace transcend your heart and relieving you of the very things you thought you had to deal with on your own. on top of that, you pull out His love letter. flipping through the words written for your heart, to remind you Whose you are and what that means for your every day. He loves me. He adores that i come to Him broken. He wants to be the One to heal me, and He always will, as long as i let Him. He's always knocking, i simply have to open the door.

how sweet it is to be loved by You

so i'm reading "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldridge, and man oh man is it money. i've read it once before, but that was almost a year ago and a lot has changed since then. regardless though, if you're a female, striving to grow into a woman of Christ, read it. you won't be able to put it down. we were created to be who we are. but i just finished a chapter called Romanced and its really turned my world upside down in the past 72 hours. 

my last post was about falling back in love with my God, but until 72 hours ago, i didn't really understand what that meant, i just knew it was happening. i didn't realize He was romancing me. now, being romanced is not a term that is common in our society, especially in college. but that's what is happening. the chapter talks about God being our Lover, our Husband...whoa. the first time i read it, i swear i blushed. i mean, its my Father. in the world, those two terms are never applied to the same person. but....we're not talking about things of this world. but it's true. God yearns for us, aches for us to return His love, not only because we are His precious Creation, His Eve, but because we are also His bride. we are His love. i honestly didn't know how to really wrap my head around that. i've never thought of my Lord in a way that was anything different than my Father, my Protector, my Shield, my Healer. i've really never seriously thought of Him as my Husband. but that has changed. 

3 days ago, the Lord sat with me at Mill Mountain Coffee, a hole in the wall coffee shop that is familiar to me cause we have one at home as well. He sat with me in the form of my bible study/LT leader. and for two hours, He listened to me. He gave me someone that let me spill out things that i didn't even realize i've kept inside, and i know He was there listening. in that conversation He provided answers to questions i had been praying about,He reassured me in the success of my surgery, and He affirmed the power of prayer and the impact it has already had in the life of my family. in those two hours at mill mountain, He whispered in my heart "i love you. i'm here for you. i haven't left, and i will never leave. you can talk to Me, you can trust me with the secrets of your heart, i will always come through for you." 3 days ago He romanced me with delighting in my life, my thoughts, my concerns, my family, my questions. 


the weekend was filled with laughter, with joy, with silly wallyball, with yummy food, with out of town friends. this weekend the Lord romanced me with simplicity. with nothing really super happening, but having a super weekend. and i know He was there. the joy that spilled into my heart after hours in the coffee shop kept me full all weekend. He provided me with worship on sunday, at both LT and church, that let me search my heart to the depths to discover my love for Him.

today He put on the works. and i mean it. He woke me up to a sunny bright morning. a clear January day that seems one of kind, regardless of how many times it happens. after my first class, i always get my peace in the Chapel. after journaling, i rested my head on my journal, pen in hand, to just think. He beckoned me to rest. my heart was so still, so quiet, and so at peace. He drifted me to sleep with His stillness. He gently woke me up half an hour later, and i say that He woke me up because He did. i woke up with an overwhelming sense of being loved. i'm sure He whispered His love for me, and that's what woke me. i immediately starting writing a letter to him, and thoughts and emotions i didn't even know i had in me began to pour onto the page, as well as tears that have been hidden. after i re-read my letter, i was sure that i hadn't been that vulnerable in a long time, possibly ever. i'm finding my heart, and my identity as a woman in Christ, and what that means. later on, after my last class, i was beckoned back to the Chapel. i don't know why i turned in that direction, something nudged me there, and as soon as i sat down in "my" pew, the piano started playing. the piano in the Chapel is for anyone's use, but it's only played by really talented individuals, people who know what they're doing, and its not every day that the timing works out where you get the gift of hearing beautiful music. sometimes its annoying, cause it makes it hard to focus when reading, but today it was a gift. my heart knew it immediately. it was as if the Lord was sitting there, playing for me. those chords were for me, that melody was for me. He was wooing me. the Lord of the universe, the God of creation, the One who holds the world in His hand, was romancing me. He was romancing me. 


let your heart be opened. let your heart be filled. bring your walls down, you were created to be vulnerable. the world needs your beauty, your vulnerability, your comfort. and you are loved. in every way. in every way. 


"So set a fire down in my soul, that i can't contain that i can't control. i want more of You God, i want more of You God."

m.

learning to love again

"how do you explain love? what is it? - my communications professor asked our lecture class this question, then randomly called on people to explain it. every answer they gave, he somehow criticized in order to prove his point, that love really cannot be explained. we know it exists. we can feel both it's presence and absence. but how can you describe it? 

recently in my life, i complicated the most perfect Love there is. i was getting frustrated with myself, my ministry, and who i was supposed to be pouring into. it also didn't help that i felt as if no one else really got it. and i know that's not true, but it was the silly way i felt. i felt as if i wasn't showing my perfect Lord that i loved Him, because i wasn't being active. but in reality, i wasn't showing my perfect Lord love because i was trying to hard to be active to show him love. see, its rather complicated. something that doesn't really need to be. 

i think there's a reason we can't explain love, or joy. there is a reason why everyone has a different definition, a different outlook on something that we have all felt and all know exists. i think it's because it's the closest thing we can associate to our Father, who gives us never ending love, joy, and grace. using words, any words, just simply do not do the justice of defining love, or my God. the One who loves me more than i could ever grasp. 

i've been falling back in love with my God. i let my heart rejoice in His love. i let myself sit and soak in the peace that settles on my heart in the stillness of the chapel. and He's been with me. He wants me to feel His love as much as He wants to feel my love for Him. He gave me a weekend of laughter, of fellowship, of late nights, and even threw in the news that we had a new brother in Christ. He's been pouring His love out on me, and i've finally got it into my heart that part of loving someone, is accepting their love. and the same goes for my Best Friend, my Main Squeeze that never wants me to forget how much i am loved. all He needs from me is to hear that i love Him too, and He will do the rest. i am boldly confident in that. 


i love you too. 

"i'm in love, i'm in love and i don't care who knows it!"




m.

crazy, stupid love.

i love love. i think everyone does. no one can deny that weddings make them happy. that babies bring joy. that seeing old couples in the park holding hands can prove that love can withstand many trials. but love can also hurt. 

love hurts when you keep letting someone in and they keep letting you down. love hurts when you feel as if you're unable to find it. love hurts when it seems that everyone has it, and you have nothing. love hurts when you feel so deeply and love so passionately that our broken selves cause harm and damage that is sometimes irreparable. love hurts when you care too much and its not returned. love hurts when it seems absent. love hurts when it leads to confusing or painful situations that take a toll on hearts. love hurts. 

thankfully, we are blessed to have an unfailing Love. in that unfailing Love i can rest. on the Love i can depend, for it will never hurt. i honestly don't know how i could live without this Love, because to be honest, our love can hurt. 


"oh Love that will not let me go, i rest my weary soul in thee."


m.

#twinstatus

well. i've been meaning to blog for a week or so, but so much has been going on, and so much has been going on in my head that i couldn't seem to pick one topic to express. so i'm just going to ignore it, and blog about someone important in my life. 

January 9th, aka in about 13 minutes, it is my dear friend Patrick's birthday. and i'm pumped. he's great. and i've always told him i'd do a blog for him, so here it is Patrick, happy birthday :)

 

Patrick, you're great. you're such a great friend, and you've been there for me through so much. i'm so blessed to have you in my life, and i'm glad you've hung around for so long. i wish you the best birthday ever, because you're the best. it has been a wonderful blessing to watch you grow and change, and i'm so lucky to be able to watch and do life with you. i've loved being your twin, and you've become such a brother to me. thank you so much. really, thank you so much. 

happy birthday my dear brother, hope we get to celebrate many more to come.

m.