so i'm reading "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldridge, and man oh man is it money. i've read it once before, but that was almost a year ago and a lot has changed since then. regardless though, if you're a female, striving to grow into a woman of Christ, read it. you won't be able to put it down. we were created to be who we are. but i just finished a chapter called Romanced and its really turned my world upside down in the past 72 hours.
my last post was about falling back in love with my God, but until 72 hours ago, i didn't really understand what that meant, i just knew it was happening. i didn't realize He was romancing me. now, being romanced is not a term that is common in our society, especially in college. but that's what is happening. the chapter talks about God being our Lover, our Husband...whoa. the first time i read it, i swear i blushed. i mean, its my Father. in the world, those two terms are never applied to the same person. but....we're not talking about things of this world. but it's true. God yearns for us, aches for us to return His love, not only because we are His precious Creation, His Eve, but because we are also His bride. we are His love. i honestly didn't know how to really wrap my head around that. i've never thought of my Lord in a way that was anything different than my Father, my Protector, my Shield, my Healer. i've really never seriously thought of Him as my Husband. but that has changed.
3 days ago, the Lord sat with me at Mill Mountain Coffee, a hole in the wall coffee shop that is familiar to me cause we have one at home as well. He sat with me in the form of my bible study/LT leader. and for two hours, He listened to me. He gave me someone that let me spill out things that i didn't even realize i've kept inside, and i know He was there listening. in that conversation He provided answers to questions i had been praying about,He reassured me in the success of my surgery, and He affirmed the power of prayer and the impact it has already had in the life of my family. in those two hours at mill mountain, He whispered in my heart "i love you. i'm here for you. i haven't left, and i will never leave. you can talk to Me, you can trust me with the secrets of your heart, i will always come through for you." 3 days ago He romanced me with delighting in my life, my thoughts, my concerns, my family, my questions.
the weekend was filled with laughter, with joy, with silly wallyball, with yummy food, with out of town friends. this weekend the Lord romanced me with simplicity. with nothing really super happening, but having a super weekend. and i know He was there. the joy that spilled into my heart after hours in the coffee shop kept me full all weekend. He provided me with worship on sunday, at both LT and church, that let me search my heart to the depths to discover my love for Him.
today He put on the works. and i mean it. He woke me up to a sunny bright morning. a clear January day that seems one of kind, regardless of how many times it happens. after my first class, i always get my peace in the Chapel. after journaling, i rested my head on my journal, pen in hand, to just think. He beckoned me to rest. my heart was so still, so quiet, and so at peace. He drifted me to sleep with His stillness. He gently woke me up half an hour later, and i say that He woke me up because He did. i woke up with an overwhelming sense of being loved. i'm sure He whispered His love for me, and that's what woke me. i immediately starting writing a letter to him, and thoughts and emotions i didn't even know i had in me began to pour onto the page, as well as tears that have been hidden. after i re-read my letter, i was sure that i hadn't been that vulnerable in a long time, possibly ever. i'm finding my heart, and my identity as a woman in Christ, and what that means. later on, after my last class, i was beckoned back to the Chapel. i don't know why i turned in that direction, something nudged me there, and as soon as i sat down in "my" pew, the piano started playing. the piano in the Chapel is for anyone's use, but it's only played by really talented individuals, people who know what they're doing, and its not every day that the timing works out where you get the gift of hearing beautiful music. sometimes its annoying, cause it makes it hard to focus when reading, but today it was a gift. my heart knew it immediately. it was as if the Lord was sitting there, playing for me. those chords were for me, that melody was for me. He was wooing me. the Lord of the universe, the God of creation, the One who holds the world in His hand, was romancing me. He was romancing me.
let your heart be opened. let your heart be filled. bring your walls down, you were created to be vulnerable. the world needs your beauty, your vulnerability, your comfort. and you are loved. in every way. in every way.
"So set a fire down in my soul, that i can't contain that i can't control. i want more of You God, i want more of You God."
m.
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