wow, its been awhile to say the least. i've been meaning to get back on here, spill my heart out a little more because its something i love doing. but i haven't, so here i am. sunday back from thanksgiving, and this time of rest has given me a chance to breathe, a chance to not be always wanting to take a nap, a chance to re-evaluate. and my thoughts are gathered, as much as they can be, and here i am.
BHS. i'm in love with BHS, and its what i want to talk about. coming back into leading in the fall was hard and scary and uncomfortable, and my oh my did i need patience, and trust. lots of trust. i was praying and talking with my teammate who is also a sophomore girl, and after feeling as if freshmen were tugging at my heart, we decided i'd run after primarily freshies, and Tay would take the sophomores. which was great, and i was excited, however all the relationships i had up to that point were shared with Taylor, and were sophomores. heck i didn't know a single freshmen name. so coming back into the year, i was placed back into square one. and that was hard. really hard. i had thought i got that awkward "i literally don't know a single person in this grade" stage knocked out of the way in the previous spring. but there i was, and it was humbling. while my roommates were starting small groups and having sleepovers, i was getting rejected on friday nights by high school girls. literally. and its not that i wanted the title, its not that i felt useless (although i had to constantly be fighting that lie put in front of me), its that i so desperately wanted to be sharing life with these girls. i wanted to laugh with them, drive them places, hear about heartbreaks, eat junk food and do all the things that make being a high school girl both great and hard. i wanted to be with them. and for a majority of the semester, i wasn't. but i prayed. and i honestly don't know if there has ever been a point in my life where i have prayed harder, or more faithfully, than i did during the first 3 months of the semester. not because i'm great, but because its all i had. i had no idea how to meet girls, i had no idea how the Lord would move in me and how i would be used. i had no idea. and it was slow, and for a long time, there was nothing. and i got tired. i got tired of waiting, tired of being hopeful for something that was not coming. i got tired. but i kept waiting, and kept praying, because that's all i could hold onto. and the most beautiful thing is, the Lord was always listening. when i was mad at Him, He took it and loved me in it. when i was doubtful, He took me and loved me in it. when i didn't want to pray, didn't want to be still, pretended that i could do it on my own, He took me and loved me in it. through all my complaining, my anger, my doubt, His Spirit gave me hope and joy, His Spirit kept me seeking Him. He kept me going, and He kept reminding me of His faithfulness and promises, and through all my selfish desires, He continually taught me that from Him all things flow. and i soon learned that if i brought it about, if i created it, it would suck. it would fail. no doubt. it wouldn't happen. so night after night, He would remind me to let go, be present, and be faithful. and looking back, its so cool that all He asked of me was to be faithful, be present, and leave the rest to Him.
it was hard, and slow. but it was beautiful, and always a learning process. and there has already been fruit. i love the freshmen. its hilarious, i adore them. they are literally the coolest. and i know for some of them i'll never fill the role of their former leader, but i wish they knew that i don't want to. i want to be different, i don't want to be the same. i'll never try to be. i'm emily, i love Jesus and colors and loud music and driving at night and blankets and them. i want them to know they are loved and accepted and beautiful always, because that's how Jesus sees them. i don't want it to be about me and them, i want it to be about Jesus and them. that's my job, my mission. so i'll pray. and i won't stop, because this isn't supposed to be easy, but it also isn't about me, and if i'm tired or mad or impatient, its about Jesus. and He's supposed to do all the work. i'm just supposed to be faithful and be present. and He won't fail. right now i'm meeting up with 3 different girls weekly to talk about Jesus. He is doing the work, all the work. it is not me, and that is such a relief.
life is exploding, and it is good.
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