i should be sleeping. really. i've been killing myself with work all day, i'll let you know why later. trust me it's worth the wait, i just have to keep the secret a little longer. anyways, this is one of those moments i just feel like screaming, but i like it this way. i love being passionate and out of control. i love knowing the only thing steady in my life is the Lord. it's thrilling to know that anything and everything could be flipped upside down at any second. i'm free. a couple really awesome things have happened in the past 72 hours, however some not so great stuff has happened too. i'm one to always want the bad news first, cause i like ending on good notes, so that's how i'll explain this.
BAD :(
1. my friend and i have been going through some hard things. he and i don't see eye to eye on our relationship, the typical messy boy-girl stuff (which i hate) and it's been affecting us. now we're taking some time apart, and our relationship is changing before our eyes. it's hard, but it's necessary. he is wonderful and sweet, truly cares about me and hates to see me upset, but we aren't doing the same things with our lives. he doesn't even realized how loved he is, and regardless of how much i try to tell him, i know that i truly will never be able to change his heart. but i pray for him, oh my word i pray for him. i care so deeply for him, and i pray so fiercely that one day he'll realize that his worth isn't of this world, and regardless of the negative thoughts he feels, he's worth so much more than he could ever imagine. he's precious. and i pray some day he'll realize that.
2. i discovered today how badly i hurt someone. and it tore me to pieces. one of my dear friends that i always got to goof off on the field with deleted me off facebook. i think that's a lame way to phrase it, but in this day in age you don't delete someone you truly care about, i guess its unfortunately another form of communication. anyways, she threw away our friendship because i didn't love her well enough. i thought we were close enough friends that she could understand when i wasn't able to hang out or why sometimes other people had to come first, but apparently i just hurt her. i have this uncanny ability to spread myself too thin, thinking that i can manage unmanageable amounts of things, and i usually like that about myself, until something like this happens. i think the biggest problem for me was that she scared me. whenever i messed up, she tore me to shreds. she made me feel like a failure as a friend, like a terrible person who could never do anything right. and instead of deal i just ran. it was stupid and wrong, and i'm heartbroken because of it. broken relationships are something that i just have an impossible time handling. they absolutely break me. it gets to the deepest part of my heart. so i'm praying for my girl, and our relationship.
but now, on to the good...
GOOD :) :) :)
1. one of my best guy friends has decided to get serious about his relationship with the Lord. i jumped for joy when i read the message. he came to fellowship with me one sunday night, and i was a little concerned. not only was it a more intense fellowship, with lots of prayer and things we haven't done before, but also i wasn't with him the entire time. that has never happened before. i've never been completely separated from someone i brought, but it happened sunday night. he was nervous about not knowing anyone, and as soon as we got in there we were separated into boys and girls, and my stomach dropped. i was so worried he wouldn't have a good time. after that i temporarily lost him, and it wasn't til we were sitting down did i realize he was on the other side of the room with some guys. i was proud. then walking back to the dorm he told me he wanted to find a way to get here for every fellowship. then the next day he told me he had been wanting to approach me about his relationship with the Lord for awhile, and then last night he just couldn't contain it anymore. hallelujah, the Lord moves in the coolest, sweetest, most fun ways. not only have i gained a brother, but the communication lines have been open and our relationship can only expand. the Lord is so good.
2. with the Lord, i was strong. and He took care of me. recently the girls on my hall have been heavy on my heart. literally its all i can think about. i've never felt the Lord like this before. i can feel and hear him pushing me on everytime i walk into our hall. he is gently urging me to chase these girls, for they are so lost. and i was so nervous. i'm talking unbelievably nervous. i was a scaredy cat. i prayed about it nonstop, begging the Lord to make me bold and fearless. at home i was known as the YL girl, or the Jesus girl. it was expected that i talk to people i didn't know, i was comfortable doing it. and when it came to wyldlife, well i'm years older than the girls, and i'm confident in myself. but being among people who don't know me, who don't know what i live for, that are my peers, it is so much more intimidating than i could've imagined. but yesterday the Lord conquered my heart. and i love every second of it. i walked into my room and saw that the girls across from me had their door open, and i felt it. i don't know if it's possible to feel a words, but i did. i felt "go, love." and my heart was in my throat and butterflies in my stomach. i had a mountain of work to do, and yet i couldn't sit down. i was pacing back and forth, but i just kept feeling "go, love. go, love. go, love." and i prayed and paced. over and over. for ten minutes. then all of a sudden it was as if i didn't have control. before i knew it was knocking on their door and introducing myself. Amanda and Casey. they've been wanting to introduce themselves, but have been too nervous. i almost hit the floor when they said that. and i told them that anytime they wanted to hang out, we totally would be willing. they were smiling and sweet, and i walked back into my room after small chitchat and collapsed in my chair. He is so good.
3. i talked with one of the YL girls here, she's a freshman and introduced me to the chapel. a complete sweetheart, and she challenges me, which i love. and she told me a part of her testimony today. she's only told 4 people here, one of them being myself. i was touched. i'm enjoying watching this relationship unfold.
it has been the coolest thing ever to watch the Lord move here. i'm so in love, and every day i fall deeper in love with the Lord who created me. the Father who considers me His precious child. the God that holds the universe in His hands, and still makes time for me. i'm so passionately, truly, deeply, utterly in love. and this is the way life is supposed to be.
m.
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