under control

i'm really bad about this whole blogging thing. i have a my journal, and that gets written in daily, so i guess that is where all  my emotion and thought goes into, but do you ever just have something that you kind of wish the whole world could see? that's how i feel right now. i guess i'll give everyone a little heads up on my life before going on my rant.

college is sweet. i had a hard time really getting a taste of the fellowship i wanted, i had high expectations that were impossible to be met. i mean, honestly it's hard to compare any community to the one i have at home with my sister and best friend. i've never felt Christ in a relationship more powerfully then i do with those girls. but things have gotten better. i have a place on campus to have my freakishly awesome quiet times everyday, and things are really looking up. i've met two girls that are rapidly becoming my techie best frands. obviously they can't replace my sister and cbay, but they're pretty great and its awesome to finally feel that i'm really clicking with some girls.

warning: this next paragraph is very whiny and very much like a 13 year old girl but sometimes we just need this, or at least i do, so here it is. 

but here's just what i need to get out of my system. i've got it bad for a boy. and he doesn't feel the same. i know i know, "boohoo emily big deal". but i'm really not trying to make a big deal about it, i'm just so caught off guard. i honestly haven't had this butterfly in my stomach, heart throbbing in my throat, at a loss for words, blushy in years. in a way i kind of like it. i barely know this dude, and yet i can't shake these thoughts. i just wish i wasn't wondering "what if". i hate it. but i'm sick of initiating everything. i'm always the one that starts us talking, and i'm the girl. call me traditional but its not my job. just freaking ask to spend time with me so that i can figure out if i actually have genuine feelings for you. and the other thing that bothers me is that everytime i think i'm over it, i just go back to square one and get all lovey-dovey again. it's so lame. ask my roommate, she's said the cycle has happened 3 times. honestly though, why do i have this fantasy that one day i'll get a call that he wants to come up here and take me out to dinner? i mean honestly, i know every girl wants to meet her prince charming and be the beauty in a stunning adventure, but can i catch a break? or fall for a guy that likes me back? i don't want this. and i deleted his number from my phone so the temptation is removed, which is good i guess, because now i can't give in.

feeling this way is so bittersweet. boys are bad, daddy was right.

m.