chocolatechocolatechocolate

i went to D2 today, it was chocolate day. i'm pretty sure more than half of campus was there too. i kind of liked it though, because when the place is so packed, you have to sit next to complete strangers. i love strangers. anyways, i was with my two other friends. when we met up for dinner, we realized we were all decked out in YL paraphernalia. can't say i can complain, what else would you rather be decked out in? but anyways, the strangers beside us noticed, called us a posse, but also complimented us. the guy that initiated the conversation asked if we were involved in leadership here, and we filled him in on the fact that it started next week, but we were planning on being there. he and his friend were very impressed and very encouraging. they were involved in another campus outreach program, and not only is that awesome to randomly sit beside a stranger that loves Jesus, but its cool that they appreciate and admire the time and dedication that we're about to put into high school and middle school kids. have i mentioned that i can't wait? i don't think i have.

i can't wait. 

i would go right now. but, unfortunately, i need a college degree to go on staff. trust me, i'm not complaining. i love college and all that it has done for me so far, but i just want to go. now. i want to go. last night in one of my bible studies, we were asked where our heart is. my heart is for high school and middle school girls. i love them. i want them to know that there is more to life than what this stupid world tells us. all the crap we are constantly being fed, all the stuff that weighs on our hearts and brings us down, i want to tell them that there is more. i want to show them that there is more. people always ask me for what i'm looking for in a husband, and i have to include that he has to be okay with girls being at the house at all hours of the day, all times of the year. i want to be their leader. i want to show them Christ. i want them to fall so madly, deeply, truly in love with the One who loves them the most. i want to be at their pictures for dances, take them out to breakfast, have sleepovers, bonfires, picnics, go hiking, take roadtrips, and most importantly be there to point them to Christ. just be there. i never had that, and i never want that to be the case for anyone else.

i can't wait. 

p.s. eat responsibly on chocolate day, or else you'll feel sugar sick for hours.

talk to me

believe it or not, i'm signing up for spring semester classes this week. mind boggling. anyway, a class i wanted is only available for sophomores, so my roommate, her boyfriend and i were all in the room talking about classes and as an alternative he suggested i take communication skills. i asked him what that was about and he said "i think you learn about communication, just the different kinds and how effective they are." i haven't stopped thinking about it.

every word, tone, touch, decision and action is viewed differently by different people, it's no wonder communicating is impossible sometimes.  even not talking, acting or deciding is a form of communication. it's a mess. as i was thinking about all this though, i knew in my heart that i have a way to combat this. the Lord really does have everything figured out. love. i know, it's one simple word, but its everything. its everything, all the time. regardless of the conversation or the action, if it is filled with love, then it can never be taken the wrong way. i love that....(haha get it? so punny). i'm really pursuing the girls right across the hall from me, and it's scary and intimidating and i can't take any credit, the Lord is my drive, and that's a whole other story for another time, but basically i got rejected tonight. i invited them to come play wallyball, and they looked at me as if i was crazy. but i walked away smiling, because hopefully they realized that i love them, and i want them with me, regardless of what we're doing. it doesn't matter what the conversation is, or how an action appears, if it is noticeably filled with love, it can't go wrong. that is so freeing. i may fumble my words, make a really not funny joke, stutter, be tongue-tied, do something spazzy, or laugh at something totally not funny, but if in everything i try to imitate love the way Christ loves me, then i can't go wrong. talk about being invincible with the Lord in my heart, aka best thing ever. 

1 Corinthians 13:1-3 -- "If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but not love I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.  If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing."

fighter

it's hard to be strong sometimes. i like to think that i am, but sometimes i doubt it. i just lost a friend. after weeks of not being treated like the daughter of Christ i am, i got cursed out because he didn't like what i told him. it broke me, because it was the final straw. where do you draw the line? i want to love like Christ, but where do i stand up for myself and my heart? where do i stop allowing someone to walk all over me? and i forgive, but am i supposed to forget? this is hard, and it hurts. i'm glad i have the Lord in my corner with me, and i'm so thankful that's all i need, because sometimes it feels like it's me and He's the only one on my side.

You draw me gently to my knees

being sick makes me miss home, a lot. my mom called when she found out i wasn't feeling well, and i missed so much being sick at home. the way my parents would come home after working all day and immediately come see me on the couch, asking me how i'm feeling, pouring me juice, checking my fever, brushing my hair off my forehead and making sure i had something to eat. its hard not to miss that expression of love. i miss the comfortable sounds of family in the house, being in the middle of everyone on the family room couch, and actually getting to spend time together. instead i'm stuck in my dorm, trying to catch up on work, using up 2 boxes of tissues, and having to turn down dinner invites. being sick at college stinks. but guess what? the Lord taught me something. surprise? nope, i don't know why i still am sometimes. 

yesterday i acted like the baby i am. i only had one class, and its a huge lecture that i'm constantly not paying attention in, so i skipped (shhh). but i stayed in bed and slept until 10:30, something very unlike my healthy self. then i gathered the strength and ventured out into the world to stock up on groceries, soup for the sickness and hot chocolate and peanut butter, the necessities. after that i came back and slept more, then spent hours trying to study and concentrate for my exam that i had today...that i hadn't prepared for at all...luckily my friend was willing to give up hours of his day to skype me and help me figure things out, i'm so blessed. but after bumming around all day yesterday, i had a completely packed day today. 8 am class, 9 am exam, 10 am class, then straight to math to learn material and take an exam, then finish a paper and peer edit another paper. i was dreading today. and i knew i couldn't do it on my own. i just didn't have the strength. so i prayed, a lot. in everything. each step of the day, i prayed. and then i realized, why don't i do that every day? 


i've been learning a lot about prayer this past year, i've been challenged and encouraged and taught so much by it. it's so cool. seriously. we are talking with our Creator, our God that holds the world in His hand. literally. and can we just talk about the fact that He knows us? already? every thought before we think it, the words before they are formed on our tongue. not only do we have Someone that craves to do life with us, alongside us, guiding us, but He knows us. already. there are no words needed, no expressions to be explained, no looks to be deciphered. no texting miscommunications, no tone mistakes. He KNOWS us. He knows me, and all he wants is to be invited into my heart. He WANTS me. He knows my broken heart, my sinful thoughts, the things i desire that i shouldn't, when i conform to the world, and He WANTS me. 


"Remain in me, and I will remain in you." -- John 15:4

He promises me, He wants me forever. if i remain in him, He will remain in me. through everything. He wants  cherishes me. the rest of John 15:1-17 goes on to say how we can do nothing apart from Christ, and now it leaves me wondering why we would ever want to do anything apart from Christ? i know i don't. and that means actively asking Him into my every day, every action, every conversation. He humbles me, He teaches me, He prunes me, everyday. and i'm sweetly broken, wholly surrendered.

 

perspective change

major points of the week:
1. two crazy late nights to pull off number 2
2. surprised steph and caroline in order to see caroline give her talk 
3. met and hung out with girls at wyldlife, both old friends and new
4. watched caroline's face light up as she spoke of the Lord, i will never forget that
5. drove back for a day of classes before returning back home
6. caught up like old times with steph and caroline
7. went to first priority and were late, nothing has changed...
8. spent the day with mother on the lake touring homes (details below)
9. pizza with daddy and steph while watching AFV, i miss that
10. hanging out in the student section with my freshie babies, that time is so unbelievably special to me, they'll never know how much i treasure time with them
11. saw nate, the only person i cried about leaving when i left for school. i wasn't "supposed" to see him til christmas, if even then. and he was just as thrilled to see me. 

this week has been great, and this weekend is going to be superb as well. i have so many loved ones up at tech this weekend, its extremely overwhelming, but in a positive way for sure. 

but explaining number 8: i spent the day with mommy. and i love her to death. the last two years of high school we really started getting closer, and i love the genuine interest she takes in anything i say. she always laughs at my storys, cries when i'm upset, and asks me about boys. anyway, as much as i love her, i think she totally guilted me into coming home friday. i was planning on staying at tech because steph and caroline were going to come up this weekend, but she left me an adorable voicemail saying that we could do whatever i wanted, and her hint wasn't very subtle, but i loved spending the day with her. we did something pretty cool too. there is a charity home showcase on the lake that you can go to by boat or car where really nice or cool homes are on display and you buy a ticket and the money goes to charities. and my mother is always looking for ideas at our houses, and i love seeing how other people live, so it was a win win. we got out the boat and cruised to the other side of the lake to tour the homes on a perfect fall day, it was really spectacular. we got lunch on the water, and it was just really great quality time. but the last house we saw...11,000 sq ft. like really? 14 person movie theater, gym with sauna, 6 bedrooms on one floor, a hidden door. it was just ridiculous. but the Lord spoke through it to me, and i thought that was really great. my old self, a couple of years ago, would've left that house feeling insanely jealous. i would've compared my life to the people of that house and feel terrible. but instead, i was walking down the stairs describing to my mom that i'd never want a house like that. i want a tiny house. yardsale furniture, chipped dishes, pictures everywhere, lots of blankets, a tv and dvd player for movies. yesterday i noticed just how much the Lord had changed my heart about what i want my life to look like. i want it to be love. i want to give it away. a couple years ago, i wanted the cars, the house, the clothes, the jewelry. i don't anymore. and i'm thankful for that. "the old has gone, the new has come."

the story of us.

everyone has a story. why they laugh, cry, smile, run, accept, hug, whisper. i love stories, and everything about them. i love listening to them, telling them, thinking about them, imagining them, making them up, everything about stories. and aside from my faith, i've decided to share the story most dear to my heart. the story of us. 

 for those of you who don't know anything about the friendship between my sister steph (left) myself and caroline (right), it's very recent. in fact, our year anniversary is coming up in December. woo hoo! anyways. caroline and steph are now juniors in high school...whoa so old. and being away from them is...so hard. i have no better words for it. but i'll start from the beginning. disclaimer: this will be long, its more for myself and reminiscing because i love memories, and it will sound like a love story, but i'm okay with that, because it is.

My sister and I have always gotten along for the most part. i always revert back to how when we were little and at daycare, steph was roughly 3 so myself around 5 and a half, at naptime i would hold her hand until she would fall asleep. i've always always considered it my job to look after steph, my entire life it's been my job. whether its trying to steer her in the right direction through adolescents or just take care of her thumb after she was stung by a bee, she is my little sister always, and it's my duty to teach her how to grow up. i'm not sure why i always felt this responsibility for her, but i have. i'm not even sure if she knows this. but she was always my priority. as i got older and thought i was cooler, and she got older and thought she was cooler, our relationship suffered a bit. more bickering, but i can count the number of times she was genuinely not speaking to me or vice versa on one hand. we are great sisters.  we share clothing, like the same music, think most of the same things are funny. sure we could talk, but i wouldn't open up to her much. but in the last year and a half, our relationship radically changed. for a year and a half prior to last December, after i started my walk with the Lord, i had been praying for my sister, and sometimes i'm sure it sounded like begging, that she would fall in love with the Lord. we grew up in a christian home, but i prayed so fiercely that she would give her life the Lord, in an intense, irreversible way. 
and in December, i watched it happen. from that time on, i've realized that my sister is my biggest answered prayer. i was blessed to witness her be born again. i watched her from death to life. i watched her heart change. i watched her fall in love. and since Christ transforms our life, it was natural that He transformed our relationship. my sister is my best friend. and although we've never had problems being sisters, it is no longer of this world. i spill my guts, shed my tears, laugh with joy, share my struggles, questions my choices and seek answers with her. i consider her better than myself in nearly every way. and i'm proud of that. she is an inspiration and encouragement without trying, and i've walked along side her for almost a year now, and that experience is one that i am beyond words thankful for.

so not only in the past year has the Lord blessed my relationship with my sister, but he also gave me another one. literally. caroline...whoa. i've never really had a best friend. i've definitely had close friends that i would always go to, but i could never pick who was the best out of them, they were all sort of at the same level i guess, and no one really knew me. caroline is my best friend. and i say that boldly and confidently. and this is the story of how we met... 

we didn't know each other at all this time last year. she came to summer camp with me, but she was in my sister's grade, and wasn't friends with my sister or in my cabin, so i never interacted with her. in the few brief encounters i can remember before our friendship, we were cordial, but we had nothing in common. or so it seemed. then after summer camp, caroline started seriously showing up at campaigners, but nothing changed. we still didn't talk. then in november a couple of significant things happened. first, we all signed up for workcrew weekend at rockbridge. second, i started talking to this boy and his best friend was carolines boyfriend at the time. the only reason this is significant is because they kept wanting to double, and we later discovered that both of us had been putting it off as long as possible because i didn't want to be in an awkward situation because we genuinely didn't know one another at all, but didn't want to tell the boys no. and as the weekend grew nearer people started asking for rides and figuring out how to get up there. about a week before, i agreed to take paris and caroline up. don't ask me how caroline got put in my car, i have no idea. i guess i offered and i guess she accepted? i don't know what prompted the conversation or how i even knew she needed a ride, but she was in my car. that friday night came, and it was a big night for me. right before i had left the house, i found out that i had gotten accepted into Virginia Tech, and i found out about a week before i was expecting. so i came to meet everyone overjoyed and freaked that i was all set for the next four years of my life. the second big thing was caroline. as we embarked from the panera lot, we were off to a bad start. we had already lost the ENTIRE caravan. i'm never on time, so i guesssssss that came into effect. but we were confident that we knew the way. paris and i had been on workcrew after all.....

we got lost. seriously lost. we were 2 hours behind everyone else, and i would completely blame paris, except that i listened to her, so that's my fault. but without those two hours, i wouldn't have gotten to know caroline. the Lord formed our relationship. i've never been more sure of anything. after arriving at rockbridge, we were inseparable, and we didn't even know why. that weekend hands down altered my life, simply because she was put in it. immediately we "fell in love" and we joke about it all the time. she reads my mind, finishes my sentences, understands when i stutter, reads my mood, gets my eye contact, cries with me, takes care of me, dreams my dreams, and cheers me on. we do life together. i couldn't ask for more. she is my best friend. so after that weekend, we got back to roanoke and nothing changed. we were hanging out literally every day after school, we couldn't get enough of each other, and i don't think we still can. it was effortless. and now she's one of the family. 

i know, you're probably blown away and thinking, "emily, it couldn't get any better than this. you have your sister and caroline, there is no way life could get any better for you." and you're wrong. because after workcrew weekend and i gained a best friend that i had never imagined, the same thing happened for them. steph started hanging out with us, and i was praying that the Lord would bless their friendship, and apparently they were too. this wasn't discovered til a couple months afterwards though, it's even written in steph's journal "i want caroline to be my best friend". and the Lord is so good. they hit it off immediately. so not only do i have two friendships rich with Christ's love, but we're all connected. caroline is a part of the family. literally. when my dad texts steph and i something, caroline gets it too. they love her. its the coolest. and now that i'm gone, even though its hard, its beautiful to know that steph and caroline have each other always. we are sisters. 

we've lead weekends and camp trips as wyldlife leaders, worked weekends, prayed and fasted all night, done contact work at the middle schools, helped girls get ready for homecoming, cried, prayed, worshiped, laughed, struggled, dreamed, squealed, loved, hugged, spent days at the lake, taken roadtrips to our prayer school, read, shared our hearts, borrowed clothes, written talks, talked about boys, chased girls at our school, stayed up way too late, crossed things off our bucket lists, rejoiced, and have walked alongside each other in our lives with Christ for the past year. they will be by my side at my wedding and known as "auntie stephie and caroline."  they've been there through it all, and i know they will continue to be. so this is for you guys. i get so happy looking back. being away from you both is hard, but i know our hearts haven't moved an inch, something i'm thankful for. you've shown me Christ's love, the real thing. thank you. words will never, ever be enough. love you sisters. hope you enjoy our story as much as i do.

the good, the bad, the beautiful

i should be sleeping. really. i've been killing myself with work all day, i'll let you know why later. trust me it's worth the wait, i just have to keep the secret a little longer. anyways, this is one of those moments i just feel like screaming, but i like it this way. i love being passionate and out of control. i love knowing the only thing steady in my life is the Lord. it's thrilling to know that anything and everything could be flipped upside down at any second. i'm free. a couple really awesome things have happened in the past 72 hours, however some not so great stuff has happened too. i'm one to always want the bad news first, cause i like ending on good notes, so that's how i'll explain this. 

BAD :( 
1. my friend and i have been going through some hard things. he and i don't see eye to eye on our relationship, the typical messy boy-girl stuff (which i hate) and it's been affecting us. now we're taking some time apart, and our relationship is changing before our eyes. it's hard, but it's necessary. he is wonderful and sweet, truly cares about me and hates to see me upset, but we aren't doing the same things with our lives. he doesn't even realized how loved he is, and regardless of how much i try to tell him, i know that i truly will never be able to change his heart. but i pray for him, oh my word i pray for him. i care so deeply for him, and i pray so fiercely that one day he'll realize that his worth isn't of this world, and regardless of the negative thoughts he feels, he's worth so much more than he could ever imagine. he's precious. and i pray some day he'll realize that. 
2. i discovered today how badly i hurt someone. and it tore me to pieces. one of my dear friends that i always got to goof off on the field with deleted me off facebook. i think that's a lame way to phrase it, but in this day in age you don't delete someone you truly care about, i guess its unfortunately another form of communication. anyways, she threw away our friendship because i didn't love her well enough. i thought we were close enough friends that she could understand when i wasn't able to hang out or why sometimes other people had to come first, but apparently i just hurt her. i have this uncanny ability to spread myself too thin, thinking that i can manage unmanageable amounts of things, and i usually like that about myself, until something like this happens. i think the biggest problem for me was that she scared me.  whenever i messed up, she tore me to shreds. she made me feel like a failure as a friend, like a terrible person who could never do anything right. and instead of deal i just ran. it was stupid and wrong, and i'm heartbroken because of it. broken relationships are something that i just have an impossible time handling. they absolutely break me. it gets to the deepest part of my heart. so i'm praying for my girl, and our relationship. 

but now, on to the good...

GOOD :) :) :) 
1. one of my best guy friends has decided to get serious about his relationship with the Lord. i jumped for joy when i read the message. he came to fellowship with me one sunday night, and i was a little concerned. not only was it a more intense fellowship, with lots of prayer and things we haven't done before, but also i wasn't with him the entire time. that has never happened before. i've never been completely separated from someone i brought, but it happened sunday night. he was nervous about not knowing anyone, and as soon as we got in there we were separated into boys and girls, and my stomach dropped. i was so worried he wouldn't have a good time. after that i temporarily lost him, and it wasn't til we were sitting down did i realize he was on the other side of the room with some guys. i was proud. then walking back to the dorm he told me he wanted to find a way to get here for every fellowship. then the next day he told me he had been wanting to approach me about his relationship with the Lord for awhile, and then last night he just couldn't contain it anymore. hallelujah, the Lord moves in the coolest, sweetest, most fun ways. not only have i gained a brother, but the communication lines have been open and our relationship can only expand. the Lord is so good. 

2. with the Lord, i was strong. and He took care of me. recently the girls on my hall have been heavy on my heart. literally its all i can think about. i've never felt the Lord like this before. i can feel and hear him pushing me on everytime i walk into our hall. he is gently urging me to chase these girls, for they are so lost. and i was so nervous. i'm talking unbelievably nervous. i was a scaredy cat. i prayed about it nonstop, begging the Lord to make me bold and fearless. at home i was known as the YL girl, or the Jesus girl. it was expected that i talk to people i didn't know, i was comfortable doing it. and when it came to wyldlife, well i'm years older than the girls, and i'm confident in myself. but being among people who don't know me, who don't know what i live for, that are my peers, it is so much more intimidating than i could've imagined. but yesterday the Lord conquered my heart. and i love every second of it. i walked into my room and saw that the girls across from me had their door open, and i felt it. i don't know if it's possible to feel a words, but i did. i felt "go, love." and my heart was in my throat and butterflies in my stomach. i had a mountain of work to do, and yet i couldn't sit down. i was pacing back and forth, but i just kept feeling "go, love. go, love. go, love." and i prayed and paced. over and over. for ten minutes. then all of a sudden it was as if i didn't have control. before i knew it was knocking on their door and introducing myself. Amanda and Casey. they've been wanting to introduce themselves, but have been too nervous. i almost hit the floor when they said that. and i told them that anytime they wanted to hang out, we totally would be willing. they were smiling and sweet, and i walked back into my room after small chitchat and collapsed in my chair. He is so good. 

3. i talked with one of the YL girls here, she's a freshman and introduced me to the chapel. a complete sweetheart, and she challenges me, which i love. and she told me a part of her testimony today. she's only told 4 people here, one of them being myself. i was touched. i'm enjoying watching this relationship unfold. 



it has been the coolest thing ever to watch the Lord move here. i'm so in love, and every day i fall deeper in love with the Lord who created me. the Father who considers me His precious child. the God that holds the universe in His hands, and still makes time for me. i'm so passionately, truly, deeply, utterly in love. and this is the way life is supposed to be. 

m.