how sweet it is to be loved by You

so i'm reading "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldridge, and man oh man is it money. i've read it once before, but that was almost a year ago and a lot has changed since then. regardless though, if you're a female, striving to grow into a woman of Christ, read it. you won't be able to put it down. we were created to be who we are. but i just finished a chapter called Romanced and its really turned my world upside down in the past 72 hours. 

my last post was about falling back in love with my God, but until 72 hours ago, i didn't really understand what that meant, i just knew it was happening. i didn't realize He was romancing me. now, being romanced is not a term that is common in our society, especially in college. but that's what is happening. the chapter talks about God being our Lover, our Husband...whoa. the first time i read it, i swear i blushed. i mean, its my Father. in the world, those two terms are never applied to the same person. but....we're not talking about things of this world. but it's true. God yearns for us, aches for us to return His love, not only because we are His precious Creation, His Eve, but because we are also His bride. we are His love. i honestly didn't know how to really wrap my head around that. i've never thought of my Lord in a way that was anything different than my Father, my Protector, my Shield, my Healer. i've really never seriously thought of Him as my Husband. but that has changed. 

3 days ago, the Lord sat with me at Mill Mountain Coffee, a hole in the wall coffee shop that is familiar to me cause we have one at home as well. He sat with me in the form of my bible study/LT leader. and for two hours, He listened to me. He gave me someone that let me spill out things that i didn't even realize i've kept inside, and i know He was there listening. in that conversation He provided answers to questions i had been praying about,He reassured me in the success of my surgery, and He affirmed the power of prayer and the impact it has already had in the life of my family. in those two hours at mill mountain, He whispered in my heart "i love you. i'm here for you. i haven't left, and i will never leave. you can talk to Me, you can trust me with the secrets of your heart, i will always come through for you." 3 days ago He romanced me with delighting in my life, my thoughts, my concerns, my family, my questions. 


the weekend was filled with laughter, with joy, with silly wallyball, with yummy food, with out of town friends. this weekend the Lord romanced me with simplicity. with nothing really super happening, but having a super weekend. and i know He was there. the joy that spilled into my heart after hours in the coffee shop kept me full all weekend. He provided me with worship on sunday, at both LT and church, that let me search my heart to the depths to discover my love for Him.

today He put on the works. and i mean it. He woke me up to a sunny bright morning. a clear January day that seems one of kind, regardless of how many times it happens. after my first class, i always get my peace in the Chapel. after journaling, i rested my head on my journal, pen in hand, to just think. He beckoned me to rest. my heart was so still, so quiet, and so at peace. He drifted me to sleep with His stillness. He gently woke me up half an hour later, and i say that He woke me up because He did. i woke up with an overwhelming sense of being loved. i'm sure He whispered His love for me, and that's what woke me. i immediately starting writing a letter to him, and thoughts and emotions i didn't even know i had in me began to pour onto the page, as well as tears that have been hidden. after i re-read my letter, i was sure that i hadn't been that vulnerable in a long time, possibly ever. i'm finding my heart, and my identity as a woman in Christ, and what that means. later on, after my last class, i was beckoned back to the Chapel. i don't know why i turned in that direction, something nudged me there, and as soon as i sat down in "my" pew, the piano started playing. the piano in the Chapel is for anyone's use, but it's only played by really talented individuals, people who know what they're doing, and its not every day that the timing works out where you get the gift of hearing beautiful music. sometimes its annoying, cause it makes it hard to focus when reading, but today it was a gift. my heart knew it immediately. it was as if the Lord was sitting there, playing for me. those chords were for me, that melody was for me. He was wooing me. the Lord of the universe, the God of creation, the One who holds the world in His hand, was romancing me. He was romancing me. 


let your heart be opened. let your heart be filled. bring your walls down, you were created to be vulnerable. the world needs your beauty, your vulnerability, your comfort. and you are loved. in every way. in every way. 


"So set a fire down in my soul, that i can't contain that i can't control. i want more of You God, i want more of You God."

m.

learning to love again

"how do you explain love? what is it? - my communications professor asked our lecture class this question, then randomly called on people to explain it. every answer they gave, he somehow criticized in order to prove his point, that love really cannot be explained. we know it exists. we can feel both it's presence and absence. but how can you describe it? 

recently in my life, i complicated the most perfect Love there is. i was getting frustrated with myself, my ministry, and who i was supposed to be pouring into. it also didn't help that i felt as if no one else really got it. and i know that's not true, but it was the silly way i felt. i felt as if i wasn't showing my perfect Lord that i loved Him, because i wasn't being active. but in reality, i wasn't showing my perfect Lord love because i was trying to hard to be active to show him love. see, its rather complicated. something that doesn't really need to be. 

i think there's a reason we can't explain love, or joy. there is a reason why everyone has a different definition, a different outlook on something that we have all felt and all know exists. i think it's because it's the closest thing we can associate to our Father, who gives us never ending love, joy, and grace. using words, any words, just simply do not do the justice of defining love, or my God. the One who loves me more than i could ever grasp. 

i've been falling back in love with my God. i let my heart rejoice in His love. i let myself sit and soak in the peace that settles on my heart in the stillness of the chapel. and He's been with me. He wants me to feel His love as much as He wants to feel my love for Him. He gave me a weekend of laughter, of fellowship, of late nights, and even threw in the news that we had a new brother in Christ. He's been pouring His love out on me, and i've finally got it into my heart that part of loving someone, is accepting their love. and the same goes for my Best Friend, my Main Squeeze that never wants me to forget how much i am loved. all He needs from me is to hear that i love Him too, and He will do the rest. i am boldly confident in that. 


i love you too. 

"i'm in love, i'm in love and i don't care who knows it!"




m.

crazy, stupid love.

i love love. i think everyone does. no one can deny that weddings make them happy. that babies bring joy. that seeing old couples in the park holding hands can prove that love can withstand many trials. but love can also hurt. 

love hurts when you keep letting someone in and they keep letting you down. love hurts when you feel as if you're unable to find it. love hurts when it seems that everyone has it, and you have nothing. love hurts when you feel so deeply and love so passionately that our broken selves cause harm and damage that is sometimes irreparable. love hurts when you care too much and its not returned. love hurts when it seems absent. love hurts when it leads to confusing or painful situations that take a toll on hearts. love hurts. 

thankfully, we are blessed to have an unfailing Love. in that unfailing Love i can rest. on the Love i can depend, for it will never hurt. i honestly don't know how i could live without this Love, because to be honest, our love can hurt. 


"oh Love that will not let me go, i rest my weary soul in thee."


m.

#twinstatus

well. i've been meaning to blog for a week or so, but so much has been going on, and so much has been going on in my head that i couldn't seem to pick one topic to express. so i'm just going to ignore it, and blog about someone important in my life. 

January 9th, aka in about 13 minutes, it is my dear friend Patrick's birthday. and i'm pumped. he's great. and i've always told him i'd do a blog for him, so here it is Patrick, happy birthday :)

 

Patrick, you're great. you're such a great friend, and you've been there for me through so much. i'm so blessed to have you in my life, and i'm glad you've hung around for so long. i wish you the best birthday ever, because you're the best. it has been a wonderful blessing to watch you grow and change, and i'm so lucky to be able to watch and do life with you. i've loved being your twin, and you've become such a brother to me. thank you so much. really, thank you so much. 

happy birthday my dear brother, hope we get to celebrate many more to come.

m.