last night at campaigners, my sister shared her testimony. she cried, i cried. i will never, ever be able to explain the feeling inside me, even thinking back on it. i don't even know why i'm trying to put it into words, but she's beautiful. she's better than me inside and out, she is everything i'd hoped. two years ago, i was at a fall weekend standing around a tree at rockbridge in the snow for 45 minutes with 3 of my close friends, and we spend the entire time praying for our sisters. for the past two years i have been praying for my sisters heart, that she would find acceptance and understanding and hope and intimacy with the One who loves her. and the past couple months i've seen it, and my heart is about to burst due to the gladness.
as joyful as i am, there's something on my heart that's weighing me down, and i don't know what it is. i've been feeling this way for a month or so, and i can't shake it. but i can tell i have my guard up, and walls are built around my heart to some extent. i know the Lord has my back and is working in me, and i do my best everyday to be vunerable and open and to fully give my heart to others, to love them thoroughly, but there comes a point that i just can't let anyone get deeper. last night i was on the phone with beeboy, one of my dear brothers, for a little over an hour, and it was a lot of me just talking, trying to make sense of my heart and the conflict going on inside it, then there came a point where i just didn't want to talk any more. i think i've been hurt more than i know. and i don't know how to explain what i'm feeling or why, i just know that i feel it. i'm unsettled. and i don't like it.
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